Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Who Turned Up The Thermostat?

It is getting H O T in Sacramento, where speculation is scorching around our second-chance to nab Shareef Abdur-Rahim.

Here's the abridged version of "The Story of SAR," for those of you who haven't been paying attention:

SAR go to Cal. SAR wows scouts. SAR leaves school early, and gets picked up by the expansion Vancouver franchise. SAR puts up big numbers, but toils on losing team (along with future winner Mike Bibby). SAR takes the money and toils on another bad team, still putting up solid numbers. SAR is traded to a decent team, who becomes bad and misuses him badly on the court as teammates constantly get arrested.

SAR finishes out his contract while injured and attempts to exit NBA purgatory by signing with a winner. SAR visits New Jersey, who is led by fellow Cal star Jason Kidd. SAR gets in bed with NJ, caresses NJ and tells NJ he loves them. NJ finds out something about SAR's past and stutters. SAR gets pissed. SAR gets his pants and leaves NJ's studio apartment. SAR refuses to take calls from NJ. NJ, to proud to beg, starts flirting with a tough Lithuanian and a soft 76er.

Mulletted Geoff Petrie sees SAR at a bar and finds out he's no longer with NJ. Text messages between mutual friends of SAR and Petrie fly, hinting at a possible hook-up.

And that's where we are today. Sort of. In a sick, twisted, sexually deviant way.

All we'll say is this:

Sacramento's 2002 Starting Line-up:
Mike Bibby: A brass-balls point guard who rises to the occasion and has more clutch in him than River City Transmission and Muffler.
Doug Christie: A hard-nosed, tough-as-nails, defensive-minded two.
Peja Stojakovic: An All-Star caliber dead-eye shooter.
Chris Webber: Athletic, high-post perennial All-Star offensive machine. Solid rebounder. (We're talking 2002 Webber.)
Vlade Divac: The best passing center in the game, possibly ever.

And Sacramento's potential 2006 Starting Line-up:
Mike Bibby: See above.
Bonzi Wells: A hard-headed, tough-as-turkey-jerky-made-in-a-Ron-Popeil-Food-Dehydrator, defensive two.
Peja Stojakovic: See above.
Shareef Abdur-Rahim: Talented potential All-Star. Offensive machine. Solid rebounder.
Brad Miller: A triple-double threat. Hands like an Oil of Olay model. The best passing center in the Western Conference.

America, you do the math.


Anonymous Anonymous said...


8:22 PM  

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Tom Ziller

The Sacramento Kings are a tough act to follow, literally.

SKB does the dirty work so you can forget about the blood, sweat and tears.

Oh, you'll still need the tears in April, though.

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